26 Fun Things for Professors to do on the First
Day of Class:
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make
strange gurgling noises.
2.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch
your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
3.Gradually speak softer and softer and then
suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT
DID I JUST SAY?"
4.If someone asks a question, walk silently over
to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and
ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
5.Pick out random students, ask them questions,
and time their responses with a stop watch. Record
their times in you grade book while muttering
6.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and
then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
7.Show a video on medieval torture implements to
your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
8.Announce "you'll need this," and write the
suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
9.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle
flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and
10.Address students as "worm."
11.Announce to students that their entire grades
will be based on a single-question oral final
exam. Imply that this could happen at any
12.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets
chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
13.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle
of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over
when the bottle's done.
14.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room.
When anyone asks a question, have the band start
playing and sing an Elvis song.
15.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange
gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in
their direction and make throttling motions with
16.Growl constantly and address students as
17.Devote your math lecture to free verse about
your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit
back and groove."
18.Announce that last year's students have almost
finished their class projects.
19.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's
named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot."
Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
20.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you
21.Tell your math students that they must do all
their work in a base 11 number system. Use a
complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail
students who don't use it.
22.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and
produce eggs at irregular intervals.
23.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute
"commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
24.Tell students that you'll fail them if they
cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
25.Pass out dental floss to students floss to
students and devote the lecture to oral
26.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and
scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T